Back in October we learned that Sam Raimi was definitely planning to do another Evil Dead movie. We didn’t know much at the time and we still don’t, but I’ve been doing some thinking on the whole thing lately. That’s why I’ve decided to strike while the iron is decidedly cold and do some speculating on what we could see come out of the new installment of one of my favorite franchises.
What We Know
We don’t know a hell of a lot. We know that the movie is happening. We know that Bruce Campbell doesn’t want to play Ash anymore. No matter how many petitions selfish fans sign, the man has been Ash for damned near forty years now. He’s probably tired of it. He will, however, be acting as a producer in the new film alongside Raimi. The fact that Raimi and Campbell are on board gives me hope for the film. We also know that Fede Alverez won’t be tapped to direct; he’s actually attached to a Labyrinth remake at the moment. That doesn’t have anything to do with the Evil Dead film. I just wanted to bring it up. I didn’t know it was a thing until today and I’m not sure how I feel about it. Oh, Evil Dead, right. So, we don’t know who the director will be but we know it is a newcomer that was handpicked by Raimi himself.
This is pretty intriguing. On one hand, it’s easy to be apprehensive about a director who is still wet behind the ears taking on an iconic franchise like this. On the other hand, Evil Dead was Raimi’s first feature length directorial effort. He had spent the 70s cranking out shorts and then come ’81 he swung for the fences. Hell, Peter Jackson’s third film was Dead Alive so you can’t count out a director just because they’re new. I doubt Raimi would turn his brainchild to just any old schmuck off the street. The identity of the director and everything else about this movie is a complete mystery.
What I Think
I did some meditating on the top of a mountain during a thunderstorm and a vision came to me. In this vision I saw a grisly film play out behind my eyelids as the thunder rumbled around me. I was at the same time one with nature and viewing the future. Yes, my visions are always this useless.
In this vision I saw the final moments of Army of Darkness but instead of sleeping too long or going back to work at S-Mart, Ash slept for only about six months. In this span of time, Ash aged a couple of decades and grew a bitchin’ beard. The beard is important. So, he wakes up and gets out of the cave and when he arrives at the castle, he’s greeted and bathed. After they shave Ash’s face it is revealed that our hero has become a gorgeous woman of Hispanic descent. Ash is now played by Rosario Dawson. The whole film plays out as a direct sequel to Army of Darkness but set in the same world. It was badass. I can’t wait for you guys to see the sexy, gory, slapstick-y fun! You’re gonna love it.
Now, the real shocker came to me when the credits rolled. The cast was all pretty much what you’d expect. There were some cameos here and there but nothing that took me out of the experience. What blew me away was the director. Are you ready for this? The new Evil Dead flick will be directed by Evil Ash! The Assistant Directors (there were a few) were all the little mini Evil Ash dudes! A beautiful reunion behind and in front of the camera.
Also, the world is going to end after the ball drops in New York.