What the Everloving Fuck is Wrong with Blumhouse

When I think of all the things that would be cool to base a horror movie on do you know what is on the top of the list? The Magic  8 Ball. Oh yeah! That’s what we need! A horror movie about the dumbest “oracle” toy ever mass-produced by Chinese child slave labor! What’s that, Dear Reader? You don’t think that a horror movie based around a ball full of what looks like Porta Potty water would be cool? Well Blumhouse and Mattel Films sure the fuck beg to differ.

That’s right! Blumhouse has partnered with Mattel films to make a movie about the “iconic” Magic 8 Ball. The eggheads at Mattel claim that the black ball of full blue water has generated intrigue for years and has a huge potential for storytelling. Blumhouse, on the other hand, sees the potential to cash in on dumb motherfuckers who would pony up money to see what is sure to be a steaming hunk of shit.

I guess if you can think from a disconnected reptilian perspective, it makes sense. The Ouija movies turned out alright and that’s a board game. The Lego Movie fucking killed the box office. Honestly, the first Lego Movie was pretty nifty. Truth or Dare, while not a good movie, brought in some cash for Blumhouse. Before it turns into a vehicle for pubescent sexuality, truth or dare is played by the same people who would enjoy the Magic 8 Ball. Therefore, making this movie is a super good move!

This is where I would usually go into who has been tapped to write and direct the project but not this time. Honestly, does it fucking matter who writes, directs, scores, or stars in this film? No it doesn’t. Not one fucking bit. The ONLY way a film based on this premise could be any kind of enjoyable is if it is secretly a sequel to the 2010 cinematic masterpiece Rubber.

 

 

The news of this movie being made tells us two things. The first and most obvious is that the simulation in which we live is fundamentally broken which will end in a hard reset of the system in the coming years. The second and almost as obvious fact is that Blumhouse is a production company  that has been occupied by soulless lizard people who have no understanding of human entertainment. Actually, all those Purge movies should have clued us into that. This just confirms it.

Yeti

Hey guys! I'm Yeti, the head writer of TN Horror News and co-host of The Horror Basement Podcast. I'm a tattooed weirdo who has been a huge horror fan for as long as I remember. I'm not super picky when it comes to movies; I dig it all. I'm a lover of the extreme, offbeat, retro, sleazy, and the down right awful. If you want to connect, you can hit my Instagram @the.yeti.616

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